Not quite bold enough to be considered REAL.

Time Wasted.

I feel like we wasted our time.  I mean, what was the point of even having that conversation if you weren’t even going to change anything?

So tonight your dinner turned into an overnight stay?  I’m sure that was already in the works considering the quick shower before.  I mean, really?  I thought I had explained myself thoroughly and I was hoping that you were going to at the very least be open enough to me.

I have two assumptions now:

EIther one you just don’t give a fuck about how I feel, or you severely misunderstood me.  Either way, I’m grossly upset.

I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want resentment, I don’t want to look at you and see all of people I’ve let go.  I “quit” this so I didn’t hurt so bad, but I feel like you haven’t even given me time to get over it.  You’ve added insult to injury and I just don’t know how I feel about that.

I’m hurt and there’s nothing I can do.  What would you do if I told you I was going to lunch with one of your “likes”… and then I just decided to stay there?  You told me you understood me and that you’d react in much the same way.  Is this something you anticipated?  Are you thinking?  Is he so important to you that I don’t matter?  And if yes, did that happen since we had our little talk?  Or, if I am reading things correctly, you have been talking and you do feel strongly and you’ve only been trying to cover your ass instead of telling me the truth.  The truth being that you’ve been talking to him for some time now and that it only just came to a head because I spoke up about how i really feel… at which point you had to find a way to address me…

No, I’m trying with all of my heart not find the wrong in this… but as far as I can see… I don’t see any right.  

How badly I want to quit this I’ll never truly be able to explain, but I want him and these feelings gone.  I want you to respect me and my feelings, I want you to think about someone other than yourself.  I want you to care.  I want him out of my life.

We’ve wasted all this time and for what?

I really hope it was worth it. I really do, because at this point, at this very moment, you’re losing a friend.

I concede…

You know, the shitty part about all of this… is…

I’ve said something so I’ve screwed it up… but I’m not going fight for it, so it was for naught.  

I should have just lied.  I’m a must better liar than I truth teller.  And my truth always sucks.  

…

…

why haven’t I said something…what’s stopping me…what’s my fucking problem?

how afraid am i of what he could say?  the blaring siren that says i seriously fucked up…

fuuuck this.  

where do i start?

i want to look at you.  see your smile.  use our words.  see you when i wake up.

pathetic.

i guess my biggest problem is, i don’t understand the sudden change.  its like, one minute we’re perfect (as far as i know) and then the next no contact.  radio silence. you lectured me on the importance of us remaining friends, on how you’d fight for me if i ever strayed.  where’s your fight?  is there some silent battle im missing?  is there something that happened that im unaware of? is this embarassment?  surely that’s not the case.

are they right?  im sure you wouldn’t level with me, if they were, but are they? was i a phase and if i was, why go through all of the trouble of making me believe and trust in you?  it just doesn’t make sense!  its mean, its cruel and i hate it. 

i love how bad news about you comes when this happens.  maybe if everyone’d warned me about you before i’d be in a better place, instead they remained silent.

sadly enough, i write this not because im ready to erase you, but because i still believe in you, and not necessarily by choice, but because you made me and i just don’t see the logic in that…and this.

paired off

everyone’s all paired off, except for me.  dinners that should be 6 are 5, because of me. we walk in funny lines and try to avoid awkward, because of me.

i keep telling myself he’s coming, but he’s not.  he wasn’t on his way, he’s not coming on chariot, there’s no white horse and i’m not cinderella and my fairy godmother probably hates me.  he’s not coming, at least, i don’t think he is.

all i want is someone to like me more than everyone else.  i know thats a lot to ask, but thats all i really want.

i’m so about everyone else because i don’t want to ever lose, although concession is losing. im not a pretty boy, i know that, but doesn’t someone not want mr. perfect? no i guess not.  i guess even i want perfect, perfect for me, that is.  

i can count all 6 boys that ive actually liked.  all six of them didn’t like me, well maybe one, but i fucked that so hard it doesn’t even matter…most of them fell for a friend, one of my friends.  im basically a joke.  

always the best friend, never the “option”, never the boyfriend.  

i wonder if you notice? you probably don’t.

i just want the man, who’s never going to come to come.  i want to be liked more than anyone else in the world, the first on the list, not the second or the third.  i don’t want to be the option and i don’t want to be afraid. i just want someone to like me as much as i like them.

eh, but he’s not coming and i need to learn to deal with that.

today

…not quite strong enough to walk away…but definitely not weak enough to go crawling back…

i keep thinking maybe ill just up and “get better”…however, im not really so lucky